Compassion over control: how to get your children to do more of what you ask without the power struggle.
We’ve all been there. It’s 7:00 am and you are trying to get tiny teeth brushed and clothes on tiny bodies while trying to do the same for yourself. Then it happens. Suddenly, your six-year-old is asking to wear five different patterns and you are screaming internally. You tell them no that doesn’t match and *ding, ding, ding* the bell goes off for round one of the power struggles. And maybe this isn’t even the first (or the last) of the day. You sigh in exasperation.
Or maybe you’re trying this “gentle/conscious/intentional parenting” thing, and before you know it, you feel like everything is going downhill. Your child may be extremely vocal. They may take several reminders before they do something. Or *gasp* they even tell you “NO” with authority and you are sitting there with a look on your face thinking…“now who is this child talking to, and how did we get here?”
The truth of the matter is: human beings are NOT meant to be controlled. Children are not meant to be controlled. Another truth is…we have an innate need to control what we fear. Yes, I said fear. Fear-based parenting can result in us “doubling down” with control in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort or anxiety we may be experiencing. Parenting comes with a LOT of pressure. That pressure can lead to us feeling like we have to “get it right” or our children (and others) may suffer because of it. NO ONE wants to raise a “bad” kid. So when we see things that may resemble characteristics we would rather not have our child possess, we want to “nip it in the bud.” And rightfully so.
The only issue with us *trying* to control our children is it increases their need/desire to regain or establish their control or power over whatever and wherever they can. What do I mean by that? Maybe it’s refusing to put shoes on. Or maybe it’s washing their hands or doing a task you’ve asked them, etc. Because, at this point, they are trying their very hardest to find ways to have some control over their own lives. Which I think we can all agree is not too tall of an ask when you think of it, right?
Put yourself in their shoes, if you had someone telling you what to do, how to think, what to wear, when to sleep, where to sleep, and so on and so forth, you would feel pretty out of control too. Think of a time when someone tried to have just a tad bit too much say in something we did and just because of that maybe you refused to do it or did it your way because I mean…who do they think they are trying to control you? The same goes for our children.
Now I know you’re probably sitting here going, “girl please, I am NOT allowing my child to go outside looking like they don’t have any clothes to match” or thinking “if you don’t control the narrative in your household, your child will be this wildcard with reckless abandon?” I can assure you that will not be the case. Relinquishing your control and/or giving your child some control, doesn’t mean you cannot set limits or boundaries. It means that you can have an opinion or say in matters of your household/their livelihood, but so should your child.
Looking back
If we take a moment and look back to our own childhood, sometimes that can be a powerful lens to help clear the fog as it relates to our own parenting. I know for me specifically, and for my husband, it was extremely eye-opening. The result we found? We feared what our child was because we were never allowed to be that. Our children are headstrong, vocal, and opinionated. We were not allowed (or maybe not encouraged) to be. We didn’t have the space to be our authentic selves in spaces where that was supposed to be THE space to be just that. Our home.
In our society, children are historically meant to be “seen and not heard” and you should always “respect your elders” which typically meant their words were weighted in gold. Not to be challenged in any way, shape, or form. This outdated way of thinking is a big contributing factor to why many of us are not able to advocate for ourselves or struggle to find our voice in adulthood. Just because a *cough* human being is a portion of our size, doesn’t mean they should not be able to say how they feel or what they think.
Let me ask you this…when you were growing up and you had a burning desire to speak about something and you were dismissed or ignored (or even punished for it), how did that make you feel? And I mean really feel. Because more times than not…you weren’t asked how you felt or what you thought growing up. And this is not to completely blame the generations before us (especially because in order to grow and heal, we need to be able to forgive and let go). Many of our parents and their parents were on autopilot themselves. They didn’t have the extra capacity to make space for us. But when we know better, we can do better because children deserve better. The standard should not be “I/we/they turned out ‘fine’ *insert shoulder shrug here*.” We should long, strive, and want more for them. Better for them.
Here are some tips on how to decrease the power struggle in your household:
Take a pause and assess
We tend to react to things immediately and it can be from emotions, which are involuntary (and sometimes not fully rational). Taking a second to pause before we react can help us really take a second to see whether this situation even needs to be controlled or not.
This can look like: your child is refusing to wear the outfit they BEGGED for the week before and insisting on wearing something they wore 3 times in the last 10 days. Before you react, think about it. Is this a hill you need to die on?
Ask yourself, is it harmful to themselves…or to others?
If the answer is no, let it go!
Ask yourself if the need for control will interfere with them building skills
This can look like: your child trying to work on getting dressed and ready independently or vocalizing they would like to do something on their own. If we are looking to foster independence and autonomy (which we should be), then coming in and taking away that opportunity is counterproductive to them building that skill.
Reflect
Be sure that you are not inadvertently continuing the cycle you are hoping to break. When triggered, it means that part of ourselves is not fully healed. You cannot flip a switch that is not there. We have to be mindful of our own “stuff” when it comes to our children and refrain from projecting it onto them.
Be compassionate
To yourself. To your child. You are doing the best with what you can. It is about intention, not perfection. We are all trying to get this “life” thing right. Sometimes we nail it, sometimes we don’t. Allow for room for error, for everyone, because when we misstep or make a mistake we can grow from it!
Allow your child to have some control
“False choices” are a great tool to help give your children some power while still having some control over the situation without it being stifling to their needs. False choices are giving choices that produce the same outcome or desired outcome. So if the outcome is you want your child to put on their coat, it could be something like “you can put it on now or in 5 minutes” or “you can do it or I can help.”
In the end, we all want what’s best for our children. We must remain mindful that just because we are the parent or adult does not mean by default we are allowed to tell them what the best for them is. We are all our own individuals, with our own thoughts, feelings, and desires. Don’t let a title, status, or age dictate whether a person is allowed to have a say. We all have a voice. Each one deserves to be heard.
Did this resonate with you? Check out our “Compassion Over Control” design in our apparel line!
