Boundaries and bonds: Yes, you can have both!
A lot of the time when we hear “conscious” or “positive” parenting, it is mistaken for permissive parenting. What is the difference? Permissive parenting is the lack of establishing boundaries and/or rules. That is NOT what conscious (or positive, or intentional, or any other rendition) is. What it is is being mindful of things that may negatively impact the parent-child relationship (which is key and essential if you want a lasting positive relationship with your child) and may be harmful to their development.
Boundaries are essential. They provide us with ways to make sure our safety and well-being are maintained and respected by others. Every relationship, every person should have boundaries. Simply because every person has needs and desires, which should be respected by others–including between parents and children. It goes both ways. Children should be respectful of parents’ boundaries, as should parents of children’s boundaries.
When it comes to boundaries and development in children. Think of it this way: if you were heading out on a trip to a place you have never been before or know very little about, it would be beneficial to have something that helps you along the way–a map perhaps. Think of boundaries like a map. You are setting parameters and pathways to help your children understand the world around them. The more clear the boundary–or map in our scenario–is, the less likely getting lost or led astray is. The less likely they may feel afraid or confused about what the next step may be (or if that step may be wrong). Boundaries is not a dirty word. It provides children with a map of how to navigate this big world they are new to. This will help the trust and security aspect of your relationship, which is paramount in any relationship. When you can rely on something to be true, no matter what, you can feel safe and secure to allow for that thing (or person in this sense) to guide you. If we (and our boundaries/expectations) are inconsistent it can break that trust, which will negatively impact our relationship and bond(s) with our children.
Here are some tips for creating boundaries (and strengthen trust and bonds) between parents and children:
Boundaries need to be clear and concise about expectations
Establishing clear rules and expectations can help to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts. The more clear the better. Avoid ambiguous terms such as “nice hands” or “be kind” because that leaves being “nice or “kind” up to interpretation. To your child (especially younger children) being “kind” could mean smacking instead of punching a child when they’re upset. That isn’t what we want of course, but hey, that’s what “kind” is in their mind. Their reasonings are not as extravagant. Now, saying something like “we keep our bodies to ourselves, even when angry, which means we do not hit, kick, punch, etc.” clearly defines the expectation and what you want them to do. Not much to misinterpret there.
Rules and expectations should be communicated in a respectful and calm manner.
Both parties should be able to contribute to the conversation. This also helps increase the likelihood of them following the rule because they have a say so in the matter, while being able to use that as a way to help enforce the rule. Now when disagreements or challenging moments arise, you can say things like, “remember when talked about this, and you said x,y, and z when we were setting this rule?” That is much more effective than saying, “I told you this is the rule, you need to respect it.” Children are much more likely to buy into something they contributed to and they are more likely to listen when they feel they are being heard in return.
Be consistent
Consistency is essential for all things child related, including enforcing boundaries. Be firm (but kind) and consistent in your expectations and consequences for breaking rules. What do I mean by being kind? It means there does not need to be an added layer of shaming or guilting when addressing them (see my reel on “adding tax” to consequences here).
It also means refraining from setting boundaries or expectations that you do not intend or cannot uphold. Do not threaten to remove screen time if they misbehave (which I do not recommend as a default punishment (see my reel on discipline vs punishment here), but that is another topic for another day) if you know that it will be hard to maintain or follow through, for whatever reason. I’m not shaming anyone here, but screen time can be a respite for many, and I get it. But when you use it as a bartering chip, you’ve now backed yourself into a corner. You can no longer use it as a respite and many parents tend to give in in order to get that respite back. The ONLY issue here, is now your word has lost its weight and will more than likely lead to your child testing the limit more because our response/consequence is inconsistent (or nonexistent). Children need to know that boundaries are going to be upheld and that there are [natural] consequences for breaking them. Every time we fail to uphold them, we are opening the door for more instances of limit testing–which is developmentally appropriate I want to add.
Allow for individuality
It is important to recognize and respect each family member's individuality. No two children are the same. That includes siblings (even twins). What may need to be a boundary for one child, may not be for the other. So take into account personality differences, temperament, and situational differences when setting certain boundaries with your children. We also want to ensure we are not trying to control every aspect of children's lives. We need to give children some space for autonomy and control, or they will try to find opportunities (which oftentimes manifests in power struggles over seemingly “nonissues” causing an added layer of friction). Encourage them to express themselves and make their own choices within reasonable limits.
Respect privacy
Privacy is a crucial aspect of boundary setting. We must respect children's privacy by not invading each other’s personal space. Everyone deserves their personal space, and it is important to respect that. That also goes both ways. Use the modeling of respecting their privacy when setting that same boundary with your child. “I do not listen in on your private conversation, so I would appreciate it if you did not listen in on mine.” The golden rule isn’t golden for no reason!
Communicate openly
Open and honest communication is key to creating and maintaining boundaries. Children have a much larger capacity than we give them credit for. Both parents and children should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or repercussions. Healthy communication helps to establish trust, which is necessary for successful boundary setting. You don’t have to agree with everything, but there should, at the very least, be the opportunity to express oneself. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
At the end of the day, remind yourself it is about intention rather than perfection. Know that boundaries (and respecting one’s boundaries) may not happen overnight. Rome was not built in a day. It can be especially difficult if you were not able to establish boundaries or your boundaries was not respected growing up. We will not get it right every time. We may drop the ball, but when you are intentional (or conscious) about the actions you take and the words you use, it makes a world of difference. That is the premise of being a conscious, intentional, or positive parent.
