The Great Debate: Punishment vs Discipline - Which One Really Works?

As parents and caregivers, we often face the dilemma of how to discipline children. There are two approaches: punishment and discipline. While the two are similar, there is a fundamental difference between them, even though they are often used interchangeably. However, punishment is a consequence of misbehavior, while discipline is a method of teaching and guiding children to understand the consequences of their actions.

Punishment, in the form of spanking, scolding, or timeout, can seem like a quick fix to misbehavior (and can be). However, it can have negative long-term effects and doesn’t provide the key component for effectiveness: what is expected. It focuses on the thing we want them to stop doing rather than the thing we would like to start or continue. Punishment also often leads to fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem in children. It may seem like fear may be the only way you get your child to listen, but what does that really teach them? Most times, children start to hide their mistakes instead of learning from them. This can result in a lack of trust between parent and child, and a focus on avoiding punishment rather than on learning to make better choices which is the complete opposite of what we want to accomplish.

Positive discipline, on the other hand, is an approach that seeks to teach children to understand the consequences of their actions. It focuses on teaching and guiding children through their mistakes, providing opportunities for them to learn and grow. It can also promote a sense of self-control and respect for others because it focuses on what you can do differently (as well as how that affects other people) rather than simply what not to do to “save your own skin” so to speak. 

Think of behavior as two flames. We have the “undesired” behavior flame which are the behaviors we would like to see decrease or eliminate and the “desired” behavior flame which is the behaviors would like to start or increase. Now think about your attention as oxygen, where we put our attention (or oxygen) is what will grow. If we put our attention on the undesired behaviors, that is what will increase. Subsequently, if we put our attention on desired behaviors, that is what will increase. That is why punishment is ineffective long-term, the attention and focus is mostly put on the things we do not want to see rather than what we do, which is where discipline comes in.

Let’s dive in a little more about the differences between punishment and discipline, including five tips for practicing positive discipline.

What is Punishment?

Punishment is a consequence of misbehavior. It is often seen as a way to discourage children from repeating bad behavior. Punishment may involve scolding, spanking, or timeout. The intention behind punishment is to stop the misbehavior immediately. 

Drawbacks of Punishment

Punishment can create fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem in children. Children may also start to hide their mistakes instead of learning from them. This can result in a lack of trust between parent and child, and a focus on avoiding punishment rather than on learning to make better choices. When is the last time you sought out something or someone in times of strife or trouble that you do not trust? Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship–including between parents and children.

What is Positive Discipline?

Positive discipline is a method of teaching and guiding children through their mistakes, providing opportunities for them to learn and grow. Positive discipline is focused on building a strong relationship between parent and child–creating that trust that’s key. It is an approach that promotes a sense of self-control and mutual respect–not only for the parties involved but for others as well.

Benefits of Positive Discipline

Positive discipline has many benefits, it promotes a sense of responsibility and self-control in children. It also encourages problem-solving skills, improved communication skills, and stronger relationships between parent and child. Positive discipline can also improve children's self-esteem and provide them with the tools they need to make better choices. If what we want at the end of the day is healthy and responsible adults who have all the skills and tools they need (and that should be the goal), then we should put emphasis on helping teach those skills in challenging moments, not punish them for not having the skills in the first place. 

Five Tips for Positive Discipline

Communication

Effective communication is essential for positive discipline. We should listen to our children and help them understand what went wrong and why it was wrong. It's also important to encourage children to express their feelings and give them opportunities to have input on solutions moving forward.

Consistency

Consistency is key to helping children understand boundaries and expectations. Make sure that the consequences for their actions are consistent and fair and NATURAL (see my reel on Natural Consequences).

Positive Reinforcement

Praising your child for good behavior can encourage them to continue making good choices. Celebrating their successes and providing incentives for positive behavior can also be helpful. We want more of the “good” stuff, right? So let’s make sure we are showing them we see and appreciate when they engage in the behaviors we want to see more of.

Empathy

It's important to put yourself in your child's shoes and understand their perspective. Showing your child that you care and that you are there to support them can help build a strong relationship. Think about how you would like to be approached if/when you are struggling with something, would you want someone to help you and be compassionate to your limits or would you prefer to be shamed or scolded? The golden rule is golden for a reason: we should always treat others the way we want to be treated–children especially!

Role Modeling

Children learn from watching our' behavior. Being a positive role model and modeling the behavior you want to see in your child can be a powerful tool in positive discipline. It also plays into the golden rule. When children see the person they care and love the most doing something, they are more likely to emulate that/those behavior(s). Talk the talk, and walk the walk and they will follow!

We should always try to play to the long/end game when approaching caring for children. Yes, some things we do may give us temporary or instant relief or results, but the goal is to set them up for the best opportunities for success that spans their lifetime! 

Want more support?

Check out our guide on “Conscious Discipline” on our resource page or book a discovery call with me and we can talk through how we can get more of the “good” stuff going!